Saturday, March 28, 2015

Staying Out of Crazyland

Resisting the reality that is – is where your suffering comes from. ~Nate Berkus

The gap between the land of ‘what I thought should happen’ and the land of ‘what is happening’ is tiny and enormous at the same time. This is something I’ve learned over the last 3 years since my sister, Daryl died.  I usually write: since she returned to the Universe but lately I’ve started using ‘die’ when speaking or writing about her passing. And that took 3 years. My sister and I were/are very close. I say are because I still feel her – sometimes more intense than others. Love never dies, it just changes.

The gap for me between ‘what I thought should happen’ and ‘what is happening’ is: Crazyland. When you try to stay in the land of ‘what should have happened’ you spend all your time asking questions and/or making bold statements: Why didn’t I know something was wrong? I should have known something was wrong. I should have done more research online – even though she asked me not to. Why didn’t I just do it anyway? If I had done the research maybe we could have traveled to Arkansas where they have a multiple melanoma hospital. Why didn’t I ask her if she wanted to say anything towards the end? This question is the worse because I always forget I was in denial. I just knew I was going to find a clinical trial that would save her life. 

All those questions and statements in the end serve no purpose. My sister is gone. That is my new reality and while it is painful it is the truth. I must live in the land of ‘what is happening.’ The land of what I believe ‘should have happened’ serves me no purpose, except to make me crazy, stressed, unhappy and sad.  I know for sure Daryl would not want me to be any of those things.

So I have chosen to reside in the land of ‘what is happening.’  While it may not be easy some days I make it happen by feeling the emotions that erupt, move through them and keep going.

Peace, Love & Light to you.

Valerie xoxoxoxoxo

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