Wouldn’t it be great if we could open a bottle of Fairy Dust and dab, sprinkle, douse, drench, soak, and smother ourselves with a smooth, soul-soothing powder or oil (for those of us who love massages) that would make us and our lives perfect? Yes, yes it would be great! Extra selling points: The dust or oil would glitter and the cap would not be child-proofed! I don’t know about anyone else but I’m all up in it!
All joking aside I know actual Fairy Dust doesn’t exist but I can formulate my own metaphorical Fairy Dust by measuring, mixing, adding, and subtracting elements, ingredients and activities that add to my spirit. My special recipe is composed of reading, writing, vision-boarding, spa-ing, and traveling. The precise combination of the right components can work as a pretty potent Fairy Dust for us all.
And potent is what I need now. Ever since the nurse pronounced Daryl ‘gone’ I wished for all kinds of superpowers to bring her back, make what the nurse said a lie, erase everything bad that happened to my baby sister. But just like there is no magic fairy dust there are no superpowers that can change the things we don’t like. If superpowers did indeed exist believe me I would have found them and reawakened Daryl and gave her back to my Mother, my Sister, my Step-Dad, all of our family and all of her friends. And most importantly I would have given her back to me.
My life will never be the same and it’s made me afraid because I am heading to a place I don’t know. And I have no idea how long it will take me to get there. So for right now I am faith and hope walking. I know I have to keep moving or I will die. Keep moving I tell myself. I have mistakenly confused moving with being busy and I’ve had to put a stop to being a busy bee. Too much ‘busy’ has led to me being tired, confused, agitated and pissed off. So lucky for me I realized I was using busy and busy wasn’t working for me.
The other day I had what I like to call a matrix moment, you know that moment when your truth explodes through your brain causing you to see things crystal clear in a flash. And usually that moment of clarity sneaks up on me like most soul shattering things in life. You know how that goes, you’re going along minding your business and then BAM whatever you need to see/understand/realize is all up in your face!
Our brains protect us until that moment and then it is on whether we are ready or not because really if left up to us, we would not move without that proverbial push, shove or kick!
My most recent matrix moment came about as a result of seeing a Michael J. Fox quote that touched me deeply:
“My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance... Acceptance doesn't mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that there's got to be a way through it.” ―Michael J. Fox
Since Daryl’s transition I’ve heard the word ‘acceptance’ so much I want to scream! I don’t want to accept the loss of her. Why should I? My life has been diminished by her absence. She was/is my best friend. We shared the same sense of humor, of course Daryl’s could be gross sometimes but overall we laughed at the same things, which included plenty of stuff most people didn’t find funny. We believed in a lot of the same things and we disagreed on other matters, which some will find unimaginable, we always laughed when people assumed that we never fought or disagreed – we did, trust me, she was Daryl and I am Valerie – alike in many ways and very different in other ways.
The magnitude of Daryl no longer walking on this earth has at times overwhelmed me and lead me to believe: I will never be happy again. That thought would then throw me deeper down into a place I didn’t want to go, so I would just ignore it. But eventually I have to see the situation for what it is: A world without Daryl in it; a world without my friend, my sister, my SisterFriend. I am slowly getting used to that new world, slowly but surely. At least now I don’t involuntarily shake my head ‘No’ at the thought and reality of acknowledging it.
The quote from Michael J. Fox was a Godsend, a Daryl-send to help move me along the path of healing and towards a place of peace. I thank God – I thank Daryl; both my Girls taking care of me. Holla! I know that ‘acceptance doesn’t mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that there’s got to be a way through it.’
I don’t know the way through it but I do know ‘there’s got to be a way through it.’ I’m going with the flow – staying open at the top (one of Daryl’s favorite sayings) and trusting that I will get to that place where peace exists and I will find the perfect peace-for-me. And I will be happy again. It will be a different happy - a new happy. And yes I am scared because I don’t what that happy looks like, smells like, sounds like, or feels like. I do know this: I just gotta keep moving.
So until I get there I will be working my specially-formulated-just-for-me-chocolate scented-Fairy-Dust because I don’t know what else to do until the undisputed acceptance of Daryl no longer being in this world and the weight of that truth finally seeps into the deepest crevices of my spirit. I will keep working the fairy dust, I will keep moving because it is what it is.
Until the next time I hope this has been tasty and informative like Cupcakes and Travel Magazines….Valerie